something you can do when your soul (or mine) just can't take one.more.thing.

Last week was the worst. Really, the worst. It was a four-job rejections-in-one-week-some-for-reasons-beyond-my-control-and-some-for-the-worst-reason-of-all-that-is-I-fell-flat-on-my-face-because-I-was-too-afraid-and-blew-an-opportunity-sky-high kind of week. It was one of those week when just when I felt I really couldn't take one more thing before I crumbled and fell into a pile of tears or despair or worse, apathy--one more thing seemed to keep happening.  I was tired, heavy, and shell-shocked by it all. Maybe I took it all a bit too personally, but I've discovered that that is the way of things for me. Things affect me.

So what does one do? I didn't know, and really nobody does in that moment. How do you put back the pieces of your own confidence and find a way to move forward? I didn't know. I didn't even want to know (I think this is okay sometimes). So, I read. I just picked up a book and let everything just sit heavy on my shoulders as I read. Quietly passing time in pages rather than minutes.

This sound like a small thing. It wasn't. I remembered the healing power of fiction, of stories, to restore our soul and to slowly bring life back and to move it forward in some unspoken way.

I read the Life of Pi. I had started it ages ago. A student wanted to read it, and even though I wasn't finished, I could tell how badly he wanted to read it, and just gave it to him. I never saw that copy of it again. I have since seen him around, I think he loved it as much as I did. That is a bond worth all the lost books in the world. He and I shared that story.

I am glad that life made me wait until now to finish it though. It was the exact book that I needed to read at this exact moment in my life. It talked about fear, and losing, and winning, and hope, and grief, and holding on, and fighting for things with your very soul, and then being forced to let them go. Oh, I cannot tell you what it meant it to me. The writing was beautiful. The story moved slowly and that's just what I needed as well--a slow moving, soul searching story. The kind that turns you inside out.

Good fiction works itself out hard and beautiful in the painstaking details,  and often before we even know it, we are changed. It helps us to be unafraid, it helps us to lie low, and to listen, and to wait--goodness is always on the horizon. In it we can find courage, or rest, or joy, or cathartic pain. It will bring us what we need at that moment.

So when your soul cannot take even one more thing, or when you are afraid and cannot take one more step, maybe just start by turning one more page. In it you will find hope, you will find motion, and a slow steady momentum. And when you are finally ready to lift your head from the pages and face reality again, you may find that your spirit has been strengthened to hold on, or let go, or fight, or give up, or whatever it is you needed the strength to do.

So even though nothing in the world seems to have worked out in a way I would have guessed or wanted, I am least reminded of the salvation that can be found in a good piece of fiction. Sometimes we fight our fears quietly, and in the pages of book and not out in world. Sometimes it is the power of stories that see us through.


“I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.” 

― Yann Martel, Life of Pi

waiting, snowing, reading, smiling, giving

Well, the new year has started off slowly for me. Yes, I realize it's February and I'm talking about New Years. I graduated in December (finally!!!) and have since been waiting on my license to process. Ohio, land of the slow. It's February and I'm still not working. Sigh, its a waiting game, and in a way, winter seems the perfect time to wait.

I know I've talked about winter and waiting before, or at least winter and resting. I have to be honest, it is about this time of year and when I start to almost physically ache for spring. The snow still falls, and the bitter winds still blow, and we have nothing to do, but wait, and hope.

With all of my waiting, I have been doing my usual wintertime activities, just in greater abundance. I've been reading like crazy.

I've started the Harry Potter series. I'm currently on book three The Prisoner of Azkaban.   I was reluctant to read these. I had already watched all the movies and wondered if I would be able to keep interest in them. I was wrong. They are fantastic, in the truest sense of the word. I open each new book, sometimes butterflies in my stomach to see how she is going to describe the magical plots I already know.

A Wrinkle in Time: The Graphic Novel , yes, you read correctly, its a graphic novel now. I've never been a reader (viewer?) of graphic novels so this was a new endeavor for me. I loved it! I've already read the first three regular novels in the Wrinkle series, and I adore them all. This was a whole new experience. I read (looked at?) each page slowly, and just took it all in. The dialogue, the artwork, the use of space--it was a new and visually interesting experience. I included this image of the first page, rather than the cover, so you can get the idea. I may venture out into some more graphic novels. Although, Meg is one of my favorite characters of all time and I don't know if anything else could quite match up.

Its funny that so much of my reading has been stories I know and love in new formats (for me).

I have also just started Mother Teresa's In the Heart of the World. I grew up very baptist, so studying a catholic, as wonderful as she was, was not looked upon highly. Recently, I have run across quotes by her here and there that have made there way into my heart and mind. I checked this out of the library, its a series of thoughts, prayers, and stories by Mother Teresa. So far its beautiful. I am touched by her giving spirit and it has changed the way I pray already. 

I mentioned that I graduated in December, my graduation date was December 14, 2012 to be exact. I suppose for many of us, that date has become a dark day due to the events at Sandy Hook. I wanted to write about them, I wanted to write about graduation, but I couldn't. Those events overwhelmed me in a way I couldn't and didn't want to describe and at times they still do. I didn't know how to celebrate in the face of grief. I was shocked by the events in Connecticut, I was shocked by the public's quick and all too political reactions. I don't think for a minute that we shouldn't look at and develop new policies, it's just that those events, those families, those teachers, those students, were so quickly exploited for political agendas of the right and the left. It all just tore my heart up. It made me question my career choice, it made me question if the world could be a good place. The world seemed darker. Hope seemed ripped out of our hands. 

Slowly, I began to "recover". I realized that the solution, isn't in politics, its in kindness. This had been called naive by so many, but I just can't get passed the notion that if we really looked, really looked at the people around us, the world would be different.

All this to say, the words of Mother Teresa have served as a healing agent for me. I needed to remember that people can be kind, that I can be kind, and that it matters. It really matters. I cannot change the whole world, but I can help the person, the people around me. I can give, I can love, I can smile, I can cry, I can forgive, I can pray. Those things matter. They are not weak things. They are not naive things. They are the strongest of things. They are our hope. The hope that nobody can rip from our hands.

"We never know how much just a simple smile will do." Mother Teresa

books and thINGs i like lately

Last week was my first full week of not student teaching (my last week was the week of Thanksgiving). I have to be honest, I was rather despondent and ridiculous last week. I missed it. By "it", I guess I mean "them"--students.  I knew I would miss it, I just never knew how much. I didn't really get much done, except for an inordinate amount of moping. It was a sad thing to behold.

However, this week, I have been able to begin enjoying my time off before the 1st of the year when I will begin subbing. Isn't it terrifying exciting??? I have finally begun to read, knit, decorate, and clean...all things I love (maybe not the cleaning, but it was necessary...trust me.) I have been reading though... a lot...I love it.

Books:

First of all, I read The Shack. It has been a very long time since I have read an overtly Christian book. I was reluctant to read this. A couple of students had recommended it to me and I had tried to make a point of reading anything (anything...I started a biography on Jerry Kramer...I didn't make it) that a student is excited about reading. So, with a sigh, I borrowed a copy from someone and sat down to read...

I was shocked. I expected to hate it. I expected it to be cliche, and corny, and disgustingly predictable. It was really none of those things. It was refreshing, and rich, and descriptive. William Young helped me look at the trinity and presence of God with a new perspective that changed me. A way that was able to rid itself of all the theological trappings that dried it out for me so long ago. It was beautiful and it made me remember after posts like this and this, that God is good. He is always, completely and entirely good and worth knowing. I had to read this book in digestible chunks, as it is the type of book that held a mirror up to my soul. My own doubtful and fearful soul. I loved this book.

I also read a young adult novel Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. I was surprised by this as well. It started out a little bit slow, but once I got into it, it became worthy of a book hangover--staying up so late to finish a book that the next day is a little "rough" to get through. It's a book about conformity, and love, and finding yourself in a world that wants to make you anything but. I had never really read Spinelli before, and I grew to love his style in this book as well. 

Links:

I loved this. Elf on the shelf was something which when I first heard about it years ago, seemed like a good idea. Then with the onset of Pinterest, it has become a monster. A truly terrifying, and unruly, Christmastime monster. Moms everywhere are going to great lengths to make this doll seem "alive" and mischievous in their homes with sinks full of marshmallows, and even shaving bald spots on dad's head.  This post pointed out some of this ridiculousness and made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

This. It's an interview with Barbara Kingsolver. She is the author of one of my all time favorite books, The Bean Trees. She also wrote Animal Vegetable Miracle and The Poisonwood Bible (which was on my list to read, then the dog ate my copy of it). I love (love love love!) learning about authors. I especially love when I connect so much with them. That's how I felt with this, like she is an older version of me or maybe I'm younger version of her (not that I'm saying I'm even half the writer she is). She even raises sheep, spins, and knits. Yep, we'd be BFF's if we really knew each other.

Finally, today I found out that you can get a masters degree in storytelling...yep, you heard me, storytelling!!! I had stopped by the school I student taught at to tutor (I do this on Thursday's now. It's to ward off my pathetic despondency). Today, I was invited to sit in on my old Language Arts class because they had a storyteller. She was wonderful and she made even those rough, tough football players sit on the edge of their seats and laugh out loud right along with her. It was beautiful. She also told me that although she doesn't have one, you can get a masters in storytelling. Babe, you're totally okay with moving to Tennessee so I can do this and get a degree that I'm positive will make us lots of money...right?.....right?

So there you have it, my life after student teaching (and before subbing)....

readING rundown

Three books, two I've finished, one I've almost finished. The first two, I have to tell you, were recommended to me by a couple 7th graders. For a teaching lit class I'm in we had literature pen pals from a Cleveland school district. I was so surprised by how much I loved the books. We should take recommendations from 12 years olds more often.

Unwind, by Neal Shusterman. This book was suspenseful and I finished it quickly. It's perfect for a middle school classroom (okay, okay, and for adults....if you liked the Hunger Games, you will like this...I promise). It deals with 3 "misfits" scheduled to be "unwound". I feel I would give too much away if I told you what "unwinding" is...but trust me...its not good. I also would love to use it in Social Studies as it deals with personal freedoms and even the sanctity of life. Pretty jammed packed for a book for middle schoolers.

This book creeped. me. out. I am not normally a ghost story reader, but this was the book one of my pen pals picked out so I read it. It was surprisingly great! It was a fast read and I was actually touched by its ending. I was amazed at the simple way the author communicates the grieving process and the idea of letting go.

I've been tyring to read more young adult lit anyway. I love being able to recommend books to students, and honestly the best way I've found to be able to do that, is to read more.

This last book I started reading for a project I'm doing on the effects and uses of technology in the classroom. (Sorry everything I think, read, write, and talk about these days is teaching...its sorta my world right now). This book confirmed a lot of my thoughts on technology and changed some of them. While I think sometimes her views are a little extreme, it definitely made me think about making sure technology is in its proper place in my own life, and even my classroom. I'm almost finished with this and can't wait to hear her thoughts. To me, the book is a little longer than I think was necessary, but at the same time she makes some excellent points. It's worth the length.

I have a few books I'm reading now and that are in my reading queue... :) I've finally started The Book Whisperer that I mentioned in my last reading rundown. It's wonderful so far! I can't even tell you how much her writing about reading resonates with me. Its beautiful and makes me so excited to teach.

readING rundown

I don't do reading posts as often as I'd like or as often as I finish books. I want to get better at this. As a future language arts teacher, I feel it is part of who I am and what I do to get people (students, adults, anyone really) excited about books. Here's two I've read, one I'd like to, and one I just heard about.

This book was beautiful. I didn't expect myself to love a book that is narrated by a dog--but I did. The perspective of Enzo as he recounts his life with the Swift family is one that made me laugh and cry. It was so very moving (again, I was surprised that a book about a dog could do this). It deals with love, and loss, and unfairness, and redemption. I just loved this book.

This book refilled my "hope tank" like no other book has in a long time. I swear it made me a better person to read it. Amber Appleton is a teen whose life is anything but fair, but seeing how she copes and comes through grief is so hopeful and reviving. I also loved her perspective on her faith.  She has a very raw and unrefined faith that I wish we all had. This book  restored my hope in goodness.  I think it's one of those books that I'll come back to when I need an extra shot of optimism.

I haven't read this book yet. It's on my list. It was recommended to me by one of my professors but it's not a "professory" book if you know what I mean. It's written by a reading teacher. She speaks on the ways that she gets students to not just read, but to love it--which is what I hope to do someday. I can't wait to read this.

I honestly can't remember how I even found out about this book, but I'm glad I did. It's about a girl from the city who finds an ordinary box of yarn that turns out to be not so ordinary. I love children's books and I love knitting so this is perfect. The little "snippet" I've seen on Amazon looks so lovely. The illustrations are wonderful. Can't wait to own it. :)

Happy Reading Everyone!

my favorite "ING's" of summer so far.....

I have been too busy to enjoying my summer to bother blogging, which is probably a good thing, but here are some of my favorite "ings" so far.

ReadING:

There's really just two books I've been working on. Both probably rank pretty high on the "nerd" list somewhere, but we've already established I fit quite nicely into that category anyway.

I know, sounds enthralling, right? Well, at least I think so. It's about ancient women's history and women's roles in creating fiber and textiles. I love it. Barber is a weaver herself and does such a great job of connecting us to our own history as women, as users or makers of fiber.

Yes. It's true. I'm a closet sci-fi nerd. Those that know me best are well aware of this. Lewis has a space trilogy and this is the first book. I totally plan on reading all three. I completely recommend this (at least what I've read so far) if you like sci-fi, fantasy (Narnia????), or even just C.S. Lewis. It's suspenseful and thoughtful and makes you think about what makes us, well, human??? Anyway, just read it. It's not very long.

KnittING:

Ok, ok, I admit it. I haven't actually done as much of this as I've planned this summer so far, but I've done a little, and bought some yarn (isn't that the fun part anyway???).

I LOVE this yarn that I found at the Great Lakes Fiber Show. I immediately fell in love with the colors. Twice without realizing it, I drifted over to the same booth and the same color scheme. It was fate. It reminds of our honeymoon in the Dominican Republic for some reason. It looks summery,  coral-y, and beachy, and Caribbean-y. I have absolutely no idea what I plan to knit with it, but I couldn't resist.

And...good news...the first leg warmer is finished!!! The second one is started and should be finished soon. (I told you they'd be done by July. :)

EatING:

We've been doing a lot of this. :)

Dave had some clients from work come up from Louisiana, and I mean Louisiana. When we ask them where they live it's "Up the bayou."   Which I had no idea where exactly that was. We had dinner with them one night and then they gave us 30 lbs of crawfish. Lucky for us, Dave's brother knew exactly how to prepare them and we had ourselves a crawfish boil! Complete with jumbalaya and corn on the cob and a little fried chicken. It was ALL delicious.

Confession: I didn't actually eat the crawfish...:( I wanted to but, I'm allergic (I told you, I'm a nerd...complete with allergies.)

WatchING:

I know I'm probably supposed to talk about how I have better things to do then watch TV, but I'm going to be honest here and say that in summer, I allow my inner couch potato come out. It's not like I spend all day doing this, but I have a few shows I love. Here's my current favorite:

Don't judge me.

I realize this show is trashy, soap opera-y, and created for 16 year old teens, but I'm addicted and I DVR it every week and am totally up on  the latest thing that "A" has done to scare the "Liars". If you don't know who Em, Aria, Hanna, or Spencer are...you should. You'll be hooked. (Also, I am very aware I have some Bachelor and Bachelorette fans who are readers out there...you absolutely can't judge me for this then.)  :)

Those are some of my favorite "ings" of the summer. We've also had a trip to the zoo, some Sonic runs (yum!), and some nights out on the lake...which I would have mentioned...but I have no pictures.

 What have YOU been up to this summer???



Photo Credits: All Images except for the two from KnittING are from Google Images...as usual.

readING

For a phonics strategies class I'm in, one of the projects we do is to read a young adult or older children's book and do a "book talk" on it. The "book talk" part is simply giving a brief "preview" of the book...without giving too much away. The goal is to learn to make books sound exciting (which they are) and to read books that the kid's we will be teaching could read.

I chose Hoot, and I have to say I liked. It's sort of a series of hilarious mysteries that are all connected and stacked on top of one another.By the time you feel that one mystery is "solved" your knee deep into the next. It begins with Roy, the main character being beat up by the school bully on the bus. His face is smushed against the glass of the window. It's at this point that Roy notices a boy running. Not just any boy though. He had no shoes, no books, and was running in the opposite direction of the school bus stop. Roy immediately sets out to find out who the running boy is and from there, the mysteries only begin. By the end you'll find out what an owl, nine snakes, an alligator, a bulldozer, a police car, and pancakes all have in common and you'll laugh a lot along the way.

I liked it. It made me laugh. In a few places it was actually a little too....political(?) for me, which surprised me for a book written for 12 years olds, but as whole it was great.

Whatever I think of the book though, I love this idea of book talks, and plan on using it in my classroom someday. We not only have to talk about the book, but we have to create a website, or use props, or do something visual.



The second book I've been reading isn't school related at all (clearly)-- The Knitter's Book of Yarn by Clara Parkes. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this book. It's everything you could want to know about yarn, choosing it, using for the right projects, where it comes from, how it's made, and more. It comes with some 40 patterns that are all beautiful. Some are above my skill level, but I'll get there...someday.

Perhaps its interesting to me because I love wool, yarn, and all fiber related topics, but I would venture to say that even to someone who may not have a natural affinity for yarn could find her style and content interesting.

My favorite part is when she talks about fiber festivals (yes, that's a real thing...all the knitting nerds really do all together at one time, I'll post on that sometime soon). She refers to them as "Woodstock, for knitters". I love this!

"Read it. I know you'll love it!" (Name that movie) But really, do read it.

readING

So I'm trying to post because its been awhile, and I'm posting about reading because I always mean to and never do. That being said...I love this book. It's everything I could want in an anthology of poetry. Every poem in the book was chosen by Garrison Keillor for his NPR show "Prairie Home Companion". In the collection you can find famous poets like Dickinson and Whitman. You can also find poems written anonymously and it's a GREAT way to find new poets to read and enjoy. I discovered Mary Oliver and Donald Hall, among so many others. Seriously...it's great.

What I love most about this book is it's simplicity. It really is exactly what it says it is--Good Poems. I love "picking at" this book. Grabbing it, opening it up and reading whatever happens to be on the page I opened to. I love picking poets and reading every poem included by them. I love picking a poem and reading it over and over until it becomes a part of me.

I love the way the poems are organized; into chapters with names like "Snow", "A Day", "Yellow" and "Music". It's so simple and common in a beautiful, wonderful way (except Dickinson...I never feel like she is simple...ok, so she's not my favorite).

If you like poetry (even a little)I cannot recommend this enough. Read it. Buy it. Enjoy it. It's wonderful ands often my inspiration for writing my own poems (or at least trying).