savING grace

When I needed it most...we went to a good friend's wedding out of town. We laughed, and danced, and celebrated with them. It was a thousand degrees out and we drove 13 hours to get there, but I couldn't have cared less. My heart was so full of joy for them and for all the wonderful people there celebrating with them, that I cried like a total idiot during the toast, because I tried to hold it all in during the ceremony. Nobody cries like that during toasts. Especially ones they aren't even giving. But to be honest, I love that being with people can make my heart feel so so big, it just has to spill over in wonderful, lovely, seemingly endless, tears of shear joy.

When I needed it most, we found friends that we can stay up with and watch a fire dance in the night while our laughter danced right along with it.  Even on week nights, when we should all be in bed like responsible adults. Discovering that we have so much more in common than we thought. "Oh, you stay up at night every now again wondering if you're becoming a serial killer or some other terrible illogical thing but just don't know it yet? Me too!! It must be totally normal".... Even if its just one other person, its nice to find someone whose you're exact kind of crazy.

When I needed it most, we found friends that listened. And rather than give more empty advice, we all just prayed. I say "just", like its no big deal, but really, nothing (absolutely nothing) could have been more freeing.

When I needed it most, good friends, the life long kind, came to visit. Coming from all corners of the globe to laugh and laugh and laugh (okay and maybe eat). To stay up late, talking about life and laughing more. And getting up and drinking coffee (and eating) and talking and laughing still more until we think we could burst (from the laughing that is....er...)

When I needed it most, all the little things in life, that really aren't so little, came crashing down around us in one beautiful mess. Life has seemed so good, I just can't believe this life is really mine. And all when I needed it most.

"Every good and perfect gives comes from above..." James

lettING go...

You start out knitting for yourself.

From the needles comes a scarf,
a hat
someday a sweater.

From your own hands , and the clacking of metal on metal comes warmth to get you through a thousand winters.

It's independence , self sufficiency.
You can stand alone.

Then you discover it.
The joy of knitting for another.

With skill and time
comes a gift.
Something to ease grief, or welcome one into the world,
Something that celebrates or mourns or both.
Something to soften and warm and brighten,
in those long winter months ahead.

Each stitch, a prayer.
The wool moving through your fingers like beads of the rosary.

Holy and sacred. Giving life and goodness.

You started out alone,

and you needed to. Learning to stand on you're own is all a part of it.

But the next part, is watching something you created, something you labored over, something you touched and admired
move from your hands,
into those of another.

becomING one of "those" people....

Over the past few months, I've become one of "those" people.  You know, the coffee snobs, one of those people who requires extra time and equipment just for a cup of coffee.

Careful, it's a slippery slope. It could happen to you.

It started with an inordinate amount of mugs I had collected over the years....

Then, I became a brand snob. My coffee requirements had surpassed anything that Foldger's or Maxwell House could provide...

Then, my sister got me a french press for my birthday (note, the unused coffee pot in the background)....

Then, I got syrups. Yes syrups...it's pathetic...

Next came the milk frother...because unfrothed milk certainly won't due....

As you can see, it's developed into quite the process and quite the mess. I find myself getting up a whole ten minutes earlier (a major accomplishment for me) just for a cup of coffee.

It's all pretty out of hand....but totally worth it. :)

Happy Friday everyone! I hope that you are enjoying whatever your guilty pleasure is today as well!

celebratING a simple life

I wasn't going to garden this year.

 "I have too much going on."

But in the busyness of this summer. I needed something.

I needed at least one, small, summer, miracle.

One that gives all summer long, and even gives into early fall,

and with a little sweat and diligence, gives all winter,

through cans of salsa, and sauce.

I wanted something to remind me of the beauty of giving.

How if something has roots, and is cared for,

it will grow, tall and lovely, with leaves and fruit,

in the warm summer sun.

I needed something, just one thing this summer,

to carry me through.

It is no bad thing to celebrate a simple life."
--Bilbo Baggins

filtering and figuring it out (part 2)

For those of you who have been reading since the beginning of this whole thing, you may remember this post.    This is kind of a part two, a whole 2 years (or is it 3 even?) later.

I've been thinking a lot lately and trying to figure a lot of things out lately. Maybe this is even a repeat of the post from a few years ago. I will say though, that I am very much less afraid to be honest with people about where I am than I was when I wrote years ago.

 I still am at a very funny (although it's probably not funny at all) place with my Christianity. Even typing that word Christianity causes me to take a deep breath and a step back. I'm still at a loss sometimes of what to think, maybe even more than when I wrote my original post.

I'm about to sound whiny. There, I warned you.

When Dave and I first got married, we changed churches for an abundance of reasons, and it was exactly what we needed at that time. We have been at our new church for almost three years now and we feel very much...alone. We started by going on Sundays, it was refreshing to be somewhere bigger, somewhere new. We were in a small group and then we led one. All said and done though, it is still of little consequence if we are actually physically there (I say physically because our church offers their services online as well, which is a whole other topic for me, probably not nearly as important).

Dave helped out with the acting and comedy ministry at our church. Still, nobody talks to us, or calls except for one couple and to be honest if that one friendship is why we have been there, I'm okay with that on some level. I also know though, that point of church isn't just to sit through a sermon. At least that's not what I want from it.

I know that  three years ago I would have told someone saying these very same things to me that "Well, you just need to make an effort, call someone, join a small group, join a ministry....etc." or "Well, remember, it's not about you anyway, just find someone that you can reach out to." That all sounds pretty empty to me now and I'm sorry to anyone that I ever said that to. What I should have said was, "Hey, do you want to go grab a coffee or come over to dinner etc???" I feel like we have done those things (joined ministries, made an effort, blah blah blah) and still we are figuring it all out alone, and I hate it. I know that Christianity was meant to be lived together, but I have no idea how to accomplish that.

Along with that, new questions in my own mind have come up about Christianity, perhaps because of the alone-ness we are experiencing. (???) Things like how did politics and Christianity get all jumbled up into one big tangled mess? Being an election year I find myself hiding Facebook statuses and rolling my eyes as Christians tell me who to vote for and why and I find it all...tiring? Maybe? (Honestly, I shouldn't just blame Christians for this, everyone does this, but sometimes Christians can do this with a particular zeal).

My own politics have changed over the past year, a lot, and in ways that have surprised me.Why? Mostly from being in classrooms with kids that have next to nothing. I don't know that I can look a student in the eye and say "Yeah, I voted for you not have health care." I just can't. I hate that Christianity is often connected with being Republican. And to be honest, I'm not really either. I am not democrat or republican and maybe that's a cop out, or maybe its being balanced, or maybe its both or neither. I don't want to be either. That's another post for another day. I guess I'm saying, why all the hateful politics connected to Christianity sometimes? (I say sometimes, because I also recognize that not every Christian or every church has hateful politics).

All this to say though, I am trying so desperately to make the connections. Every. single. thing. that I know of Christ is loving and good and yes, even holy (but I think our idea of what that is has gotten skewed over the years). I can't line it up though with the current breed of Christianity and I don't know where to go next. I can't even tell you exactly what I would like to see in a church. I can't , and I don't know what that means. I do know that somewhere in it all I still believe that Christianity wasn't meant to be lived alone, but I don't know how to fix that. I don't have a next move.

This all sounds way more bitter and disillusioned and even much more vague than I intended. Wow. Sorry. You don't need to worry, you aren't going to find me out on a ledge somewhere, and surprisingly despite all these nagging questions I have, I am not on the verge of a panic attack (any of those who have known me for years know how great of an accomplishment that is for me) :). Also, this wasn't intended to bash Christianity. I still believe it, and understand it be something that can be life-giving and beautiful, but the last few years I have come face to face with it's ugly side over and over and I am still trying to make sense of it all.

 I do know that these questions are important to me, and I do know that I still haven't given up on the whole thing, I even know that it will be okay and Dave and I will someday (hopefully) find a place that we can be and feel less alone.I also know that that was a run-on. This is just where we are for now. Hopefully, when I write part 3 of this (I have no idea if or when that will happen), maybe some things will be figured out. To be honest though, I'm glad I've asked these questions, I think when we don't ask, we don't grow, in Christianity or with anything really. So, that's that. For now.

doING this and that

So, summer has been way busier than anticipated, but this doesn't mean its bad.

First of all, I'm in love. Seriously. I'm not even kidding. I'm in love with my crock pot. I pretty much cook everything all the time in it. If I had more than one crock pot, I would probably be cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner in them, along with all of my snacks and maybe even beverages. This happened because I found this website. This lady used her crock pot everyday for an entire year. This could easily become me. I also feel it's important to tell you how much of a victory this is for me. Shortly after Dave and I got married (that almost 3 years ago...yep, I said 3 years!) I had two EPIC failures with the crock pot and it was banished to my pantry for two more years, until recently. Now I'm making, meals, beverages (Gingerbread Latte's? Yes freaking please!), and I'm thinking I'm going to move into desserts soon. It's basically the best thing ever. Go to that website, its the best thing ever.  Here it is again, just in case:

http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/2007/12/alphabetical-listing-of-recipes.html

Second, I'm so (so so so so so so so so) excited about student teaching this fall. So excited. I met with my first cooperating teacher (I will have two, one for language arts and one for social studies). I met the lady I will be teaching social studies with this fall and it went so incredibly well. She was so happy when I came into her room. She gave me a tour of her school--and she sent me home with this:

Ok, So it's not the best picture in the world, but that's basically a giant stack of lessons plans, curriculum etc. for me to go through to start planning!!  I am both overwhelmed and excited by this. It's US History, mostly exploration, which is exciting (how many times can I say a form of the word "exctied" in this post?). Seriously, I can't even wait. I'm both terrified and excited for this fall and really, it can't come quick enough for me. I might be more excited about it than Christmas, which for anyone who has read this blog in the past,  you know how big of a deal that is.

 I'm still doing various nerdy wool activities like this:

I dyed this alpaca wool. It looks gross and matted here because it was gross and matted here. I still have to card it. If you aren't motivated enough to click on the link, in short, carding is a process by which the wool is made "smooth" again so that it is ready to be spun into yarn.

Finally, I have other lame and less exciting things going on this summer. I have two summer classes (that right, not one, but two). One is going on now everyday for 3 weeks (the homework for which I am procrastinating right now) and the other is next month for the whole entire month. I don't really love it at all. Also, I have to take two Praxis II tests this summer, one for social studies and one for language arts. Yuck. That's all I can really say about that.

In the mean time though, I'm going to continue my wild affair with my crock pot, as well as being excited about student teaching, as well as processing, spinning and knitting wool. 

So that's pretty much the summer....

How many times did I say excited???

rockING it in Maryland

So, as some of you know, last weekend it was once again time for the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival. Just like last year, it was awesome. Maybe better, now that I've been there once and had more "focused" approach.


Some of my favorite moments:

Dave's cousin took this picture claiming it was me "picking up men" at the sheep and wool festival, and I have to agree that it looks incriminating...however, what was really happening, was that he was explaining to me about some of the fleeces as well as telling me about his flock of sheep (and I mean that literally). Last year, I had a long conversation with another old man. This is becoming a part of the tradition. Old people are awesome.

This is a picture from the sheep dog demonstration. I didn't take the time to sit through this last year, but I'm so glad I did this year. It was absolutely amazing to see what the dogs were capable of and how much they loved it. It made me want sheep and dogs (maybe I'll buy them next year at Maryland....Right Dave??? Right?)

This (not this exact one) was my big purchase this year. A drop spindle! I'm spinning now. I would have loved to buy a wheel, but that's like a $300-$500 investment so.... I'm saving for next year. In the mean time, I'm spinning using a primitive, but very cool method. I love it. I love the history. Women in ancient Greece (and a ton of other places) used drop spindles to spin fiber to make clothing and other items, while watching sheep. After reading about some of the history of fiber, I love it even more.

Along with the festival, we spent a day in DC. I was total nerd the whole time as demonstrated below:

Me, as a squinty-eyed, smiling tourist in front of the White House. I fit right in with all the eighth graders. Obama wasn't home, I was secretly hoping he would be there, invite me in, and we would talk about education and basically become good friends, and he would totally invite me back to talk to congress about education and I would basically change the whole world.....a girl can dream can't she?

Instead, I just became more of a cheesy tourist and got my picture in a fake Oval Office in the gift shop. I hate how excited I look in this picture...I was taking this way too seriously. I was the only non-child or non visitor from another country in line for these pictures...yes, that's plural, I have set of 5 pictures of me looking "presidential". It's ridiculous.

So, that was Maryland. I totally feel like a narcissist posting all these pictures of myself, which is why I don't normally do this. That's probably why its better to wait until you have kids to have a blog, at least I could post pictures of them doing stuff, instead of nerdy pictures of myself.*

Also, it's worth mentioning, while riding in the car we had a book of White House trivia. Through out the course of our Q and A session, I discovered Lou Hoover was the most kick ass first lady ever. You should look her up. I'm pretty sure the Depression would have ended way sooner had she been running the country instead of dumb old Herb. Seriously, look her up.

*Mother, this in no way means I am planning on having children at this time...