findING a place

Today is one of those days for me. A dark day.

It is one of those days for no particular reason at all, and for every reason in the world.

It has been a gray, rainy, lonely, ragged, tired, heavy, tried-to-pull-myself-up-but couldn't, kind of day.

It is days like this that I must write. Sometimes without really having anything to actually say, but I must say something.

I need someway to move forward. Something concrete to look at. Words. Maybe they aren't really concrete. But they are the something that I need right now.

Words are the something that I need to write or read or hear or speak.

I am an emotional person. I've finally, after many years, embraced this about myself. All of the joy, anger, grief, quietness, anxiety, "blah-ness", empathy, and any other emotion you could possibly think of need some place to go, and today they go here.

They become words.

People need words. It is our words that inspire and move and change us. Words can break us into a thousand bits. The absence of words can do the same. And sometimes that's just it I've noticed. The absence of words can break us to bits. The absence of words can destroy us.

I often wonder why I blog or why does anybody else for that matter, and that's just it. I do it for words. Mine and others.

We need each other. We need words. And although, I will always, always,  value the real life words, of a real life person--flesh and bone and heart and beauty--sitting across from you with the weight of the world or the joy and wonder of it within them, so much more. Somehow, I think we, or at least I, need this. This space. This very odd, public space to give and receive the wonder of words.

So, as I make it through this dark day, that is here for no reason in particular and for every reason in the world, I at least have the quietness, and steadiness of words to see me through.

Thank you for being a part of it.

revivING creativity

April is National Poetry Month. For me, it could also very accurately be named national (or just Harding household) procrastination month. I have several final projects I should be working on, emails to type regarding end of the school year events, and my Praxis II I could be studying for...yet, here I am. This happens every year at this time. There is just something about April that makes me run from school work like it's a serial killer. (Although, let's be honest, it sort of is one, in  a slow torturous sort of way...)

In the spirit of procrastination and hopefully more so, poetry, I have decided to try and write or at least post a poem everyday. This is honestly more for myself then it is for anyone else (you may now bow out gracefully if you hate poetry). I love to write and don't make time for it, and I feel I am giving my procrastination a positive outlet, making it into more of an "alternate productivity" than procrastination. Right??? It can be anything, a freestyle, sonnet, even a haiku. Just something. This could blow up in my face. This could really just be a month of awful poetry. 

I know that I probably won't post everyday. I say post instead of write because I'm not sure if forcing myself to write a poem everyday is conducive to good poetry or not. That really is a question more than a statement. So, on some days, I may just find a poem by a favorite poet and post it here. All in all, I'm hoping for this to be a revival of creativity for me.

procrastination,

one test, a paper to write,

so I'll clean the house.

p.s.---This isn't starting out well. I just stared for forty minutes. Wrote a whole poem about morning I'd been thinking about lately anyway, hated it, tried to post poem by a favorite poet but it didn't seem to "fit". So, I gave up and wrote that dumb haiku. I'm trying too hard.

rememberING

So I logged onto my old Xanga site. Remember Xanga? Anyway, I had a lot of old poems, thoughts etc. It was so funny and insightful to look into the mind of me, from even 5 years ago. It's funny how much life has changed, how much I have changed. What I wanted, what I thought life would be etc.

It's funny how much I haven't changed. How the little things that make us who we are never change.

I found this poem that seemed appropriate for the season.

"Extended Winter"



Some time ago,

spring was to come,

As it always does at this time,

with its new wet warmth,

and the sun on my winter-worn face.

I anticipated and expected its newness to come,

and my soul even stirred at the thought of it.



But winter, having worn out its welcome,

stays a little longer,

lingering and hovering with its bitter cold,

old and worn out like some dirty rag.

Stale and stagnant like so much old coffee,

that has long since lost its flavor.

It's weird to post old poetry. It's like a love-hate relationship. I always think it's great when I first write it. A year removed though....usually I think it's awful, like I tried to hard or something (I really think I did for this one...really.) At the same time, it's endearing, like an old baby picture, or growth chart, or a scrap book or something. It shows me who I used to be and who I am now. At least I know that winter, although it's grown on me, was never really my favorite. Who knows?

Happy winter everyone!






Image credits: www.xanga.com and http://sustainabledesignupdate.com

givING...a "guest" post repost

The other day, I read this post on a blog (yes, its a fiber and wool blog so to speak...its delightful by the way, you should check it out.) The blog is from a fiber farm, but this post isn't so much regarding fiber as it is giving. I loved what she had to say:

"A couple of weeks ago, I was on the way Washington D.C. for a meeting with Tanis when I pulled into a convenience store for a Diet Pepsi. On the way back to my car, I noticed a homeless man huddled up by the side of the building, trying to make himself as small a target as possible for the bitter cold wind. He was bared-headed and his coat would have been inadequate on a day that was 10 degrees warmer.

After I got back in my warm car, after I turned on my seat heaters and adjusted the heat to full blast, after I took my wool coat off because I was suddenly too hot, I realized how miserable I was spending less than a minute out in that cold and wondered what it must be like to have to live in it.

And then I glanced into my back seat and saw a giant box, over flowing with the lovely Red Scarves we, you and I, made for the Red Scarf Project. I wondered briefly if I should have given him one, if the maker would mind it going to a cold homeless man rather than it’s intended recipient, but by then I had arrived at my destination and I put the idea and the man out of my mind.

He wasn’t out of my mind for long though. I have spend some part of every day since then just sick about the fact that I didn’t think to give him a scarf. I can tell you this without a moments hesitation: if I had seen a dog suffering in the cold they way that man was, I would not have walked away and left it there. I know I wouldn’t have.

I can’t imagine how cold he much have been. I can’t imagine the turns his life took to get him to that parking lot. I can’t imagine the misery. I’ve tried. I just can’t.

There is another box of scarves in my back seat right now. Scarves and hats and a few pair of mis-matched gloves. The next time I see someone who looks cold, I will step out of my toasty car and my comfort zone and offer him or her something to help keep them a little warmer.

And I’m asking you to do the same. Please go through your closets and make a pile of the hats, scarves and gloves no one wears and put them in a bag in your car. If you have the time and the inclination, it would be lovely to include a couple of hand knit scarves and hats as well. It doesn’t need to be fancy- warmth is what we’re aiming for here.

I briefly considered turning this into some kind of giveaway but then I realized that would be silly. You are lovely, kind, amazing people and you won’t need any incentive. Please do this for me."

One of my new years "resolutions" was to be a person marked by generosity. I want to be more giving. Anyone who has ever changed or impacted my life has been a person who gave. I don't just mean money. I mean generosity with time, talents, smiles, anything. I mean this as a change of attitude and lifestyle more than I do just a goal to meet.

It's been funny how much giving has come up...everywhere. On Sunday at church it was talked about, in my economics class my professor somehow brought up that economist have found that people who give (in this case money) are overall happier with their lives and their money.

Like I said, I don't know that I have a specific way this will look, but this idea is one thing I think I'll implement into this resolution and into life. :)

stretchING (myself thin!)

It's September. Which means back to school, a few more hours at work, we have a new small group, field studies at local schools, not mention,all school related activities come with a commute up to the Stark County campus...so needless to say life is busy. Right now it feels like every hour every day is a precious commodity that must be spent wisely and carefully (in a different way, shouldn't all of life be that way?). Work added an extra hour to my schedule in the morning and I could feel the noose tightening, and the questions of "When will I study, do laundry, sleep?!" All this to say I feel stretched out. As Biblo Baggins would say "Like butter, scaped over too much bread..." (Sorry for the nerdy Lord of the Rings reference, I love it). I don't just feel stretched out in my time, but in all of my resources. Mentally, emotionally, physically (running around in this heat is exhausting!)

September also brings one of my favorite times of the year though, fall. I love autumn and all that comes with it. Brilliant colors, cool quiet evenings, back to routine, chilly mornings, Halloween, carving pumpkins, fall festivals, sweaters, hoodies, soup suppers, the crispness in the air...ahhhh....I could just drink it up. Yet sometimes with all that is my life going on right now, it's hard to stop and do just that. It's going to be incredibly easy this semester to not take time to do the things I love, like drink cider slowly, read books I love, blog, felt, cook, and go for walks.

It's easy as people to feel like if we aren't constatnly accomplishing, and checking tasks and goals off our list, that we are failing. I thnk goals are important and so is a sense of accomplishment. We need it as people, but it can't end there. We need to stop and breath and drink it all in just as much as much we need to accomplish and feel like our life has momentum.

I know this is all obvious and really I guess most of life is, but it is usually the obvious that we miss so easily.

Anyway, I feel like I write this post a little hurried, knowing that in the back of my mind I need to iron my pants, change for work, pack my bag for school, clean up the kitchen etc., etc., ect...but it was great to even to take a few minutes to write and think and reflect. If you happen to see me racing from one place to the next, or furiously and frantically studying, feel free to remind me to stop and to stretch and enjoy life. :)

beginnING

So, I'm finally posting. My first post of my first blog. Kind of exciting. Kind of intimidating. It took me a full month to finally post it, but here it is. I've never blogged before so I'm still figuring this out. So, if you're reading this, thanks for putting up with my first post. If you continue reading my posts, thank you for coming back and putting up with me as I write and learn, and for giving me a much needed outlet. Well, here it is--"Ing". A beginning. (I know, I know, SUPER cheesy...but more of that to come for sure...sorry.)